Monday, January 28, 2013

Mama Crazycakes Confession #2

The truth? I have some very irrational fears. Sure, I have fears that normal people have. Things that involve my child, my home, my spouse, etc. That being said, there are some fears that I have that are downright bizarre. So, I'll list a few of them so you can commensurate empathize... laugh at me.

1. I'm afraid I'll get eaten by a bear. I'm literally afraid that a bear will come out of the woods behind my house and eat me. This fear started when I lived with my younger brother, who also happened to live in a wooded area. This is irrational of course because in Virginia we have the black bear, which is pretty much the hippie love child of bears. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to go out with a pot of honey so I can try to pet one, but they aren't exactly aggressive. That however doesn't stop me from staring down the woods behind my home every night while waiting for an angry black bear to run out of the woods to eat me. Only at night though. Everyone knows that black bears only hang out in wooded backyards when the moon is out.

2. I'm afraid that a tree will fall on me. That's it. As I'm walking, moving, sleeping, eating..whatever. Again, while outside I eye the trees in my backyard because I think those SOBs are just waiting and plotting to fall on me at any given moment. I mean, do any of us know how old the trees in our yards are? 50 years? 100? Maybe they're geriatric trees, or maybe they just got a vendetta against the species that killed so many of their tall willowy friends. You can never be too sure.

3. I'm afraid my child will get carried off by a bird. That's right.. A BIRD. In my special little mind I see a vision of a hawk swooping down and taking C to a nest on some mountaintop, or maybe on top of one of those plotting SOB trees. Now, this is of course not rational, or so Daddy Crazycakes has told me. First, hawks aren't that big. The likelihood of a hawk picking up a 25 pound toddler is slim to none unless it happened to be on steroids. So of course, in typical Mama Crazycakes fashion, instead of letting that information calm me, I switched my fears to buzzards. Buzzards of which only eat dying animals. Those guys. So now, despite knowing that they don't have a taste for healthy flesh, I still give them the evil eye wearily as C frolics in the backyard, completely oblivious to her bear hating, tree fearing, buzzard despising mother.

So there you have it...I have some freaky fears.

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