Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Whoopsie!

Text message from Daddy Crazycakes (teacher) while waiting for parents on open house day:

"Two hours, one parent. Sounds like a dirty internet video".

Hmmmmm.....somebody needs some more attention from Mama Crazycakes. Just sayin.



Friday, February 8, 2013

Inspiration?

I never noticed this before..probably because I don't stare at them lovingly, but I noticed today that Playtex tampons have "inspirational" messages on their wrappers. The statements read as, "play hard always" and "focus on the positive".

First, if I'm chilling with Playtex, the only thing I'm going to "play hard" at is overeating or possibly changing the channel on my TV to the Golden Girls or the Hallmark channel. Just saying, I'm only going to be "playing hard" at being lazy if I can help it.

Second... focus on the positive? I have some suggestions for Playtex about some true inspirational quotes that I think might serve women better. Maybe messages such as:

Almost over!
Only another 35 years or less until menopause!
Good job on dodging that bullet this month!
At least he'll let you sleep tonight!
Please enjoy this complimentary chocolate bar attached!


I think these statements would be FAR more inspirational, at least to me.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

No Bedtime!

Mama Crazycakes: Okay, C, time for bed.
C: NO!

I was NATURALLY caught off guard. I've never had my 20 month old tell me "no". Of course, as a good mother should, I sat her down across from me IMMEDIATELY and we "discussed" why she needed to go to bed. I rationally explained to her why it's important to have a bedtime every night and the importance of routine. She then took shook her little head in understanding, we had a BIG hug, and I gently put her to bed where she went to bed immediately.



Haha... I'm joking. None of that crap happened. I ignored her and made her go to sleep anyway. She made some really annoying noises for a few minutes, flailed her arms and legs to stay awake, and then finally gave up and fell asleep.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Mini what?

Daddy Crazycakes brought these home for me today. Well pardon me, SIR..but I'm not a toddler, I don't need ANYTHING mini. Mini Moonpies are for babies!

But they're 110 calories each you might say. I tell you when they're not...when you eat six of them in a row.

Facebook page

I was advised by a friend to make a facebook page because I'm needy, talented..... need traffic.

My facebook page is :
https://www.facebook.com/MamaCrazycakes

Come on over so you can find a better way to mock me directly.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Google Ads

So, I posted my last blog entry and Google posted an ad about how to "become a better parent" next to it. What are you trying to say, Google? Are you saying I need some.. intervention?

Don't make me take out my tiny earrings and have my toddler who still puts everything in her mouth hold them for me. You don't want that, do you?

Bad baby excuses: Grandma Edition

Grandma Crazycakes (my mother) is obsessed with C. If I didn't know better, I would think she thought C was a modern day messiah brought down to earth for her grandmotherly pleasure. Because of her, my daughter has more shoes than Imelda Marcos and more toys than Richie Rich.

Grandma Crazycakes also calls... a LOT. These are typically how these conversations go:

Me: Hello, mother.
Grandma: Hey, how is everyone?
Me: Okay.

*Now, this part is a ruse. She doesn't REALLY care how ALL of us are. She gets down to the meat of her call quickly.*

Grandma: How is C? Doing anything new? Saying any new words? What is she doing right now?

^^^This is an everyday conversation, but occasionally, I'm get a bit frustrated because C has been acting like a crazy kid. These conversations go like this:

Grandma: How is C today?
Me: Oh my God. She's been crazy today!
Grandma: Oh yeah, what did she do?
Me: Well, she woke up at 6 am and wouldn't go back to sleep. Then she made the cat levitate and then started punching the dog in the face for fun. She learned how to create fire by rubbing two cabbage patch dolls together and lit the rug ablaze.
Grandma: Oh.........
Me: And that isn't the worse of it. She saw that commercial about turning in your old jewelry and gold for cash. Somehow she figured out the pin number on my ATM card, drained out the account, and turned all of our cash into old jewelry and gold. Now I have a huge gold Elmo pendant. I also don't know what I'm going to do with a gold letter C the size of my fist?

And her response... ALWAYS her response:
Awww.. poor thing, she must be teething.

Yes, TEETHING. Because we all know that every toddler EVERYWHERE only acts annoying when they're teething. Seriously, this kid could join a gangster toddler gang and Grandma Crazycakes' excuse? Teething. Clearly. That MUST be it.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Toddler keyboarding

Toddler keyboarding is ALL the rage. This is how it works in a few easy steps:

1. Take your eyes off your child for any amount of time. It can be something very simple, like going to the bathroom, or getting a drink.

2. Make sure to leave your laptop OPEN, or your screen from your computer ON. This serves as a green light to toddlers that it's time for a keyboard party.

3. Be absolutely sure that your toddler looks distracted. Turn on their favorite TV show, or make sure they're playing with their favorite toy. This is actually a trick they use to lull you into a false sense of comfort. As soon as you leave the room for 30 seconds they'll drop whatever they're doing to play on mom and dad's "big person toy".



If you follow these few simple steps, you TOO can have no backspace key on your computer or laptop as well!

Happy keyboarding everyone!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Toddler socks

According to folklore, when a young child takes off their socks, a small group of elfin people wait for unsuspecting parents to turn their heads and then steal one sock from each match and throw it into a super dense black hole...........never to be seen again. As a result, mom and dads all over the world are left with 20 pairs of mismatch socks and one pair that DOES match.. but are always hideous and never match the outfit they're planning to put their child in.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

New sleep routine!

Have a FANTASTIC new sleep routine with my daughter, C. It consists of her taking her face, putting it into my cleavage, and blowing with her mouth REALLY hard. If you've never been "motorboated" by your toddler.. well, you're missing out on a special treat.

Great idea...... :/

http://www.deadline.com/2013/01/abc-orders-bet-on-your-baby-game-show-for-parents-hosted-by-melissa-peterman/

This sounds like a great idea... says absolutely no one that has had a toddler EVER. The only thing I can bet on my toddler doing is ignoring me, tearing up my house, screaming really loud, and pooping herself. True story.

Thanks to: https://www.facebook.com/STFUParents?ref=ts&fref=ts for bringing this bucket of awesome to my attention.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Spiderman

Somewhere in the world, a single tear silently slides down Peter Parker's face.. and not just because he was left out of the Avengers either.

Adventures from Ipod toddler apps

As I've written about previously, C has an Ipod. One of the apps for toddlers that we purchased is named, "Princess Fairy Tale Maker". It's a pretty clever app that allows them to color pictures and to make their own fairy tales. The way this is done is by moving certain animations around and recording your own voice. Pretty neat, huh? That is until your toddler records you saying some pretty scandalous things. Then it's not so neat after all.

The first time this happened, Daddy Crazycakes and I thought it somewhat amusing. All three of us were sitting on the couch, with her on her Ipod. She had done something cute-ish, of which I replied, " C, you're such a rotten baby." Unbeknownst to us, she had recorded me saying this. She recorded, stopped and then proceeded to play me saying over and over, "C, you're such a rotten baby." We certainly yucked it up on that one. Thank God a social worker hadn't heard that.. har har har. It was cute and we laughed. The next time I was not laughing so much.

Not too long after C was again sitting next to me playing the same app. As I sat there.. being a PERFECT MOM, I whipped my head around and stared at what came out of the Ipod fairy tale app. Did I just hear my voice saying the word "shit"? Furthermore, did I always sound that pissed off? What the hell were Daddy Crazycakes and I talking about? Politics? I sounded very.. aggressive. Of course, I wanted to wrestle the Ipod out of her hands immediately and delete the offending recording, but C wasn't having it. FINE. I'll get it when you go to bed, Baby Geekenstein.

Later on I went through every "fairy tale" and deleted everything that didn't sound like a wish coming true. There were many. Like 40 or 50. Many of them I sounded like I was discussing something passionately, like maybe a murder for hire scheme or a mob hit. Do I always sound so angry? I have no idea, but I deleted them and to make up for being such a boisterous mom I made a few fairy tales for her, sans profanity and angry voices.

Now, Daddy Crazycakes, an English teacher no less, tells me that words only have the power you give them. I wonder what kind of power he thinks they would have if we were out eating at a restaurant and C spewed out a list of profanities like she needs an exorcism? I guess a valuable less was learned. Try to watch your language, or in my case, make sure you have that deleting finger ready.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Mama Crazycakes Confession #2

The truth? I have some very irrational fears. Sure, I have fears that normal people have. Things that involve my child, my home, my spouse, etc. That being said, there are some fears that I have that are downright bizarre. So, I'll list a few of them so you can commensurate empathize... laugh at me.



1. I'm afraid I'll get eaten by a bear. I'm literally afraid that a bear will come out of the woods behind my house and eat me. This fear started when I lived with my younger brother, who also happened to live in a wooded area. This is irrational of course because in Virginia we have the black bear, which is pretty much the hippie love child of bears. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to go out with a pot of honey so I can try to pet one, but they aren't exactly aggressive. That however doesn't stop me from staring down the woods behind my home every night while waiting for an angry black bear to run out of the woods to eat me. Only at night though. Everyone knows that black bears only hang out in wooded backyards when the moon is out.

2. I'm afraid that a tree will fall on me. That's it. As I'm walking, moving, sleeping, eating..whatever. Again, while outside I eye the trees in my backyard because I think those SOBs are just waiting and plotting to fall on me at any given moment. I mean, do any of us know how old the trees in our yards are? 50 years? 100? Maybe they're geriatric trees, or maybe they just got a vendetta against the species that killed so many of their tall willowy friends. You can never be too sure.

3. I'm afraid my child will get carried off by a bird. That's right.. A BIRD. In my special little mind I see a vision of a hawk swooping down and taking C to a nest on some mountaintop, or maybe on top of one of those plotting SOB trees. Now, this is of course not rational, or so Daddy Crazycakes has told me. First, hawks aren't that big. The likelihood of a hawk picking up a 25 pound toddler is slim to none unless it happened to be on steroids. So of course, in typical Mama Crazycakes fashion, instead of letting that information calm me, I switched my fears to buzzards. Buzzards of which only eat dying animals. Those guys. So now, despite knowing that they don't have a taste for healthy flesh, I still give them the evil eye wearily as C frolics in the backyard, completely oblivious to her bear hating, tree fearing, buzzard despising mother.

So there you have it...I have some freaky fears.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

YUM!

You know what I always say? The best part of waking up is cat hair in your cup!



Mama Crazycakes confession #1

I have a confession to make... I have a front butt. My front butt, or "pannis" as it's known in some circles, depresses me a bit. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not THAT huge. It's not as if it's down to my knees or anything. I can still manage to stuff my bulky front butt into a pair of jeans. It's not as if it trips me when I get out of bed at night or walk around my home..but it's there...........mocking me.

I mean, I used to be a hot piece of tail(and yes, I'm humble too) but now I'm old and I have a front butt that threatens to give me a moose knuckle should I not account for it when I'm trying on pants. I guess I COULD blame it on my c-section, but the truth of the matter is that Mama Crazycakes ate entirely too much ice cream the first two trimesters of her pregnancy. And cake. And candy. And food in general.

Now, I KNOW I'm supposed to wear my post pregnancy with pride. Stretch marks are tiger stripes, my body carried another human being....but that's crap. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a positive attitude (which is hard for me..often), but I don't think you'll meet many woman that would prefer their post-baby body over their pre-baby body. It's not as if I look at my front butt in the mirror every morning and say to myself, " This....this is something I'm so glad that I have. I like looking like I have a third mouth under my belly button."

So, this is my first confession. I have a front butt. Don't worry though, I'm still fabulous and cute. And very very modest.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Ipods for toddlers

This is my C playing with an Ipod. That's right, my 19 month old child has her own Ipod. Cue the indignation and comments about how it's stupid to buy a young child something like that. Tell me that you prefer children to have imagination. Then take her for a stroll in a mall one day without it and see what happens. Maybe take her out to eat and leave the Ipod at home. Then come back and tell me how stupid it is.

The truth of the matter is that my little lamb goes out and runs around like I just spoon-fed her a pound of sugar in the backseat of our car. In addition to her fondness of dirty people, she has a wanderlust which takes the form of running like her ass is on fire. I found myself doing something that I never thought I'd have to.. I bought her a baby leash. Let's just be honest, that's exactly what it is. Sure they try to make it cute by saying it's a backpack, but it's a harness with a leash attached. I got her the "monkey backpack" which just happened to have a harness. You know what it looks like? A leash for my kid with a toy monkey attached to the back. Don't let the manufacturers sugarcoat it, your kid is wearing a leash. Accept it.

So back to the Ipod. C has been memorized from day one by daddy crazycakes' Iphone. It's like baby manna fell from the sky just for her. She loved it so much that daddy crazycakes started putting apps on it just for her and a crazy thing started happening.. she figured out how to use it. She can run through that Iphone like an old pro. She learned how to take pictures of herself, which she does all the time because she's a ham, and she knew what apps were for what. We also noticed two other things, she learned words off the apps.. and she would take time out of her baby aerobics routine everyday and SIT DOWN. So, an idea was born and we bought her her own Ipod for Christmas.

You know that jackalope kid that runs around restaurants tearing napkins off the table while screaming at the top of their lungs? That's not my kid anymore (not usually anyway). She'll be the kid sitting in her highchair eating french fries while watching SuperWhy on her Ipod. I tell you it's a Christmas present for her, but really it was a more of a present for daddy crazycakes and myself.

Is this lazy parenting? Meh.. probably, but my kid knows her way around electronics and knows most of the alphabet so I'll lazy it up some more. Besides, mama crazycakes needs her online time.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Caillou is the worst cartoon EVER

*Caillou picture courtesy of sproutonline.com*

My daughter loves Caillou. She dances and waves her arms wildly whenever this cartoon is on. I'm not dancing though, I'm weeping. Seriously. Caillou is a four year old boy that sucks at life. His name, which is french, translates to something like "pebble" or "small stone". He is white but is as shiny on the head as a cue ball, and he is to supposedly encompass EVERY child. This makes PERFECT sense because all I see when I walk out my door are bald 4 year old children that are ALWAYS white.

His parents are the most perfect parents ever in the world, with an amazing amount of patience that can only come from heavy pot smoking and popping tranquilizers like candy. Maybe I'm just not a good enough mombie. That MUST be what it is. I must be doing something wrong when Caillou's mom and dad, who look remarkably like they're brother and sister, can keep their cool with a 4 year old AND a 2 year old. Caillou's grandmother narrates the stories. Apparently she knows his innermost thoughts at all times. Or maybe Caillou tells her, because everyone knows that a 4 year is obviously a wordsmith. In addition, stalking laws must be very lax in Canada.

All of this could be overlooked if it weren't for Caillou's crappola attitude. He whines. Constantly. "But I don't want tooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!" Did I tell you he whines? He has temper tantrums and gets what can only be described as an angry look on his face when things don't go his way. His sister, Rosie, is commonly ignored for the almighty boy king Caillou, and she has hair! Maybe it's because Rosie isn't really Mr. Caillou's daughter. Maybe Mrs. Caillou went out on a bender because of Caillou's excessive whining and got herself some strange. Who knows? All I know is that Caillou is sorta a douche. Luckily, his little cartoon of terror comes on when my daughter is napping now so we don't see it as much. I guess Jesus really DOES love me.

Maternity clothes=sexxxxyyyy!

Is it wrong that I was getting dressed and I picked out a maternity shirt to wear a year and a half after I had my daughter?

They should totally make a line of clothes for women for AFTER they have the baby. They could name it something like, "After Maternity Maternity clothes"....or maybe, "I'm never going to be a size 8 again so f*ck it".

I would TOTALLY buy this.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

You be the judge.

Harmless dulpo rabbit or something more sinister? Every time I see this thing lying on the floor I think either my daughter or one of our animals somehow dropped a little chocolate turd on my floor as a present. If you think that's gross, well.. think about the fact that I'm seeing it and thinking someone dropped a deuce on my floor each and every time I look at it.

Thank you, Lego.

My child the grunge baby

C is the Courtney Love of toddlers. Her love of all people dirty is astounding. After leaving a relative's house today, we went to get dinner at a restaurant. Spotting her prey in her sight, she ran up to what was obviously a homeless guy as she coolly said, "hey" to get his attention. This isn't the first time... there.. have been others.

Once at her Doctor's office she ran up to man in dirty sweatpants and grabbed the crotch of his pants as she tried to climb up him. He wasn't impressed. That makes two of us, buddy.